How does it feel when you 'need' someone and they don't show up the way that you want them to in your life? They don't say what you want them to say. They don't act in the way you think they should. How does it feel? Frustrating? Exhausting? Disappointing? Upsetting? Heart breaking? All of the above? None of the above? Tell me. I want to know.
I'll tell you how it felt for me. When I needed my husband, I was a complainer. I was a blamer. I was a victim. I certainly was not fun to be around. It made my husband feel inadequate and not good enough. He told me so. Even though we both knew that he was doing the best he could. And I was doing the best I could. This made my heart hurt deeply.
Then something quite dramatic happened. I have had this knowing for many years but some how I dropped deeper into the realization that I don't NEED my husband any more. At all! That may sound a little cold. A little harsh. But it's totally true and the most freeing thought that I have ever entertained. I don't need my husband to be happy. I certainly don't need him to make me happy by the things he does or does not do. By the words he says or does not say. I don't need him to be around more to be an amazing dad. I don't need to blame him and resent him for not being here. I don't need him at all!! Wow! Phew! What an absolute revelation! What an absolute JOY! I am FREE! He is FREE to be exactly as he is. And I don't need him.
It leaves me free to love him as he is. It leaves me free to honour him as he is. It leave me free to desire him. To want him. But not to need him. And this deep knowing. This deep freedom in relationship. This deep letting go has opened up a whole new intimacy in our connection. A whole new commitment to each other that is deeper and more profound than ever before. All because I don't need him any more. The 'stuff' is not in the way any more. I meet him moment by moment. Present. Without story. In the NOW. And it's so beautiful. And I find myself loving and respecting him and myself more than ever before.